atTired of Yelling at Your Child? 6 Tips To Stop Screaming( 二 )
1. Don’t Attend Every Fight You’re Invited To As my husband, James Lehman, teaches in The Total Transformation parenting program,
“You don’t have to attend every fight you’re invited to.”
Walking away from a screaming match will often stop the fight in its tracks, right then and there. No matter if the fight is beginning, if you’re deep into it, or it’s been going on for ten minutes, you can stop and step away from the situation.
Stepping away from the heat of the situation also helped me as a parent to figure out what my response should be. Sometimes, it meant spending some time away from my child and then going back later and dealing with their misbehavior.
2. Don’t Respond Immediately To Bad Behavior if You Feel Triggered I think it’s fine to wait ten minutes—or even wait until the next day—to come back and talk with your child about their inappropriate language or behavior. Often, things with our kids are truly not that urgent. Most of us scream about things that are minor when you really think about it. They might feel urgent at the time, but that’s only because of our agitation, and not necessarily because our kid’s behavior is so bad.
You can say to your child:
“Your behavior is not appropriate, and we will talk about it later when things are calm.”
It’s sometimes good for a child to have to think about a situation or incident for a while before you have that talk.
A very simple thing you can do is count to ten while really disengaging yourself from the situation. So count to ten, walk away, go into a different room, do a different activity. Even if you don’t have a clue what’s triggering your frustration, if you know that you are overreacting (and screaming is usually an overreaction), try to disengage.
3. Give Yourself Transition Time When You Get Home It’s common for parents to fight with their kids right when they get home. Typically, during the commute home, the parent is thinking about the fight they are going to have when they walk in the door. It’s almost a self-fulfilling prophesy.
Therefore, I recommend that you give yourself some time to transition when you come home. Take ten minutes to go wash up, gather your thoughts, and then come out of your room and talk to your kids. They may act like they can’t wait ten minutes at first, but they’ll get used to it. And they’ll learn to give you your space eventually.
4. Prepare Yourself Mentally for Situations That Trigger You It’s important to know your triggers. We all have triggers, and often they’re not the most rational things. I think it’s useful for parents to know what their triggers are—what sets them off. Is it the feet on the couch, the backtalk, or their mess in the kitchen? Teach yourself what you can do when you’re triggered in order to respond more effectively.
When I was on my way home from work, I also made preparations for how I would react. I would think to myself, “Okay, when I get home, if my son hasn’t done his homework and if he’s made a mess again, I’m not going to yell or scream. I’m just going to give myself time to unwind, and then come out and deal with his behavior.” So if you know your triggers, you can plan your reaction.
If you’re working on staying in control, I think you need to really look at yourself. Start reviewing what happened after the fact and try to practice more effective communication with your kids where you’re not out of control. Sometimes just having more positive interactions means there’s less time for the negative.
Ask yourself what kind of parent you’d like to be. Nobody wants to be known as the parent who screams at their kids all the time and seems out of control. Ask yourself what kind of parent you want to be. And remember, it’s never too late—you can start making these improvements at any time.
5. Get Support From Trusted Friends or Family If you’re trying to get more control and would like to stop yelling, I recommend that you talk to your spouse or trusted friends and acknowledge all of it. I don’t think there’s anything to be ashamed or embarrassed about—almost all of us scream. Your spouse might have some insights or some ideas of what you can do. They also might notice what some of your triggers are that you haven’t noticed yourself.
